Listen

Original Speech by Manuel Antunes

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We all love being listened to. But do we listen or do we hear? Last year, a friend texted me. He was on the verge of ending his own life. He talked to me about his clinical depression, weight gain and dysfunctional family. I didn’t judge him, I didn’t ignore him, I just listened. It was enough for him to stop crying and keep living. Since school, I have had many friends who confide in me because they knew I wouldn’t just hear them. I would listen to them.

To hear is the physical capacity, to listen is the human ability. Or put it this way: to hear is to know the bird chirps, to listen is to feel the bird sing. Studies have shown that being a great listener improves your social life, ensures a safer career path and makes you more knowledgeable. So, how can we all become better listeners?

We tend to judge someone before we even interact with them. We notice their skin colour, their clothing, their body language. If we dislike these traits, we will start discrediting what they say, because we have already made the decision that they are unworthy of our time. This is usually the first mistake we make. We are damaging our listening skills by having this attitude. Reevaluate who you are going to engage with, because we all have something important to say. Judge a book by its words, not by its cover.

I bet you recall meeting that one person who would never shut up and kept dragging the conversation on and on. The bad news is we may meet someone like this again. The good news is we learn by being patient. Because the more we listen, the more we learn. If you’re entertained, keep listening and slowly deepen the topics. If you’re out of topics, insert a new one by asking them an open-ended question and letting them speak.

Throughout a conversation, we usually reassure the speaker that we are listening. We do this with nods, facial expressions or interjections (oh yeah!). But I am begging you: do not repeat what someone has just said! It can sound off-putting and ill-intentioned. “We think the prices are rather high…” “The prices are rather high, yes.” Instead, try to help them by putting their thoughts and feelings into better words. Also, never compare your experiences with theirs. Some people tell me that their lives are worse than mine, but what was actually worse was how I felt afterwards. Experiences: I have mine, you have yours, and we have each other.

After the conversation, practice empathy. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes, think about what they said and try to understand their point of view. Is their glass half empty or half full? On the one hand, if you had a pleasant talk, there will be common ground between everyone involved. On the other hand, if you had a rough talk, remember that everyone has a different mindset. Even if you are insulted, take the high road and set an example of civility. Don’t throw another brick at a glass house.

Of course, this is not a one-sided picture. Everyone should learn how to talk and listen. But listening is harder. We’re always eager to talk, anxiously waiting for our turn to speak. We have the fear of missing out and not being able to say what we want to say. Take time to listen. Not only will this make others feel better, but it will also make you feel better about yourself. Those who know you will compliment you and your listening skills. They will cherish the talks they’ve had with you. Think of all the friends, co-workers and significant others who will remember you this way. Think of all the information and insight you will obtain. Would you rather be imprisoned in your own bubble or break free and understand others? As the talk show host Larry King once said, “I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening.”. Thank you.